The Beginning of Me

life isn't about finding yourself life is about creating yourself george burnard shawFor a long time I’ve just sat, waiting… Waiting for what? I don’t know… for my life to begin? I think that’s the problem, it’s easy to say “Maybe someday…”, or “I wish…”, or “When I’m ready…”, without really knowing what the goal is.

I recently read this excellent post about the problem with waiting… Although it’s not the reason I changed my attitude, it is still very relevant to my post.

I’m twenty two years old, I still live with my parents, and I’ll admit, I find that embarrassing sometimes… It feels like I’m not going anywhere, like I’m hanging around the house with no plans. The latter was true, I didn’t have any plans, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
People from the outside looking in could see twenty two year old me holding down a good part-time job in retail, running three small businesses alone and sharing an Etsy shop, and they would say “Look at you, you’ve got it all worked out, you know what you’re doing with yourself.” but they’d be wrong, my part-time job in retail is a means to an end, my three elements of Masterpiece Artistry (Face Painting, MUA, Design) were just placeholders, and my Etsy shop, Amaranth Alchemy, is a hobby. Growing up, all I wanted was to get married, have kids and be a stay-at-home mother. That’s it, simple, no catches – that was my life plan up until eighteen or nineteen… I’ve felt that that is no longer the case for a few years now, I’ve felt at a loose end, having my own family was no longer the only thing I wanted to do with my life. It’s still something I want, but I wanted more I just didn’t know what.
In January this year, my younger brother applied for a mission call to serve as a Missionary of our church, he received his call in April and prepared to leave. Everyone was talking about it, people were donating to the cause, they were so proud, don’t get me wrong, I am so proud of him! But I was also full of envy, not because I wanted to serve a mission – I don’t – but because he was actually doing something with his life while I was still living at home with no plans to move forward.

It was during this time that I was at work putting away stock and I was thinking (Don’t you know? All the best ideas come at work!), I was trying to work out what I wanted and where I wanted to be in the future and it struck me, I want to act. Previous acting experience aside, everything I’ve wanted to do has always been about entertaining people and working in the media.
My favourite subject at school was Art, I had a wonderful teacher who encouraged me (and still does) to follow my dreams. During my A Levels I developed a fascination with makeup and prosthetics which I tried my hand at, and I was good at it. Lots of people encouraged me to get trained in prosthetics and makeup and work on television shows such as ‘Doctor Who’ and ‘Game of Thrones’ and the like, shows that I truly love and really would be honoured to be involved in, but that wasn’t me. TV – yes, absolutely! But behind the scenes on makeup? No. In my own mind I had always felt that in order to realistically get on television, film, or stage I would have to be behind the scenes so I pursued makeup and prosthetics and made a half-hearted attempt at building a CV for that, but I realised that it wasn’t what I wanted.
Growing up, actors had always been just out of reach, it was something that small children would say they want to be when they grow up, among princesses, astronauts, and ballerinas, it was an unachievable dream. A childish fantasy. It was something that if you wanted to do as an adult, you would have had to be acting since you were three. A small part of me still worries that is the case but still, I will persevere…

I made a goal. I thought about where I want to be in five years and I wrote a plan. I’d never been able to answer that question before,  the one about “And where do you see yourself in five years?”, and now I can, that is an incredibly empowering thing. I would encourage everyone to make a five year plan.

I decided that I can’t have been the only person to have decided as an adult that I want to be an actor, so I did a lot of research and decided that I will apply to Drama School. I will spend at least a year before hand (starting now) gaining experience in the field and participating in short courses and workshops.
Some of you may know from social media that I have recently closed down all elements of Masterpiece Artistry. This is not a sad thing for me, it is a wonderful thing. It is the end of an era and the beginning of my life. I have a plan now, one that has everything organised, where I want to be  and how I’m going to get there. This is it, the beginning of me.

So don’t worry about me, don’t be concerned that I’ve moved on from things I was doing in the past. I did it for me, I did it because I want to.

I will always, unapologetically, aim high. you are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream cslewis

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